The Crunch Master Story

Listening to: Jason Mraz - Butterfly


So, I've delayed this long enough. Here is the recounting/retelling of "The Crunch Master" story and the utter defeat of this enemy of the people. Let me retell the tale as if I were some mad woodsman. Mmm... it feels just like yesterday...

My friends Brad and Shannon decide to come out to visit Josie and me one weekend. In the midst of all the talking and inability to decide where we really want to eat, we eventually decide to go eat at Chevy's (1502 Saratoga Ave, San Jose, CA) because, well, I have a coupon. Upon arriving we wait for our table while laughing at teenagers and their absurdly disgusting clothing and poor taste in potential mates. It's pretty standard.


We get seated outside and our server, a woman by name of Vanessa, approaches our table. Beneath her name tag is the phrase "Crunch Master". We look around and notice everyone has their own nickname. We're assuming that these nicknames are assigned because one wouldn't willingly choose "Crunch Master" if they were 523 pounds.

She hands us our menus and we have two sets of silverware for the four of us. 10-15 minutes pass...

During this time, another family that was seated before us have also not been served. We actually give our order before them. Anyway.

Before we give our order, we ask if we can use two coupons in conjunction by splitting the check in two (there are two couples after all). She sternly replies no. Brad says that he and Shannon could move to the table next to us if that'd help. The Crunch Master is not amused. There is an awkward 20 second pause. We order our food.

20-30 minutes pass... Brad steals two sets of silverware from a vacant table.

We get our food. It is warm at best. My fajitas do not have tortillas with them. I am hungry. The Crunch Master makes her way by our table a few minutes later as I encourage the rest of the folks to eat as their food will get cold.

"Excuse me, could I get some tortillas please?" I ask.


She leaves. I wait five or so minutes. Another worker comes by and I ask him for some tortillas. He returns within five minutes with tortillas for me. After 15 minutes of eating, The Crunch Master comes back with tortillas and throws them at the table like the tortillas had just denied her passage to the buffet. At least they're hot.

The rest of the craptacular service is hazy at this point, but I do remember at the end being completely dissatisfied. I have never left no tip before, as I've done my small share of food services as well, but I had to this time. It was the worst service we have ever had. The bill came out to be $31.04 after the coupon and I wrote $31.04 on the credit card slip when I left.

Two days later...

I find myself checking my credit card statement online to track the purchases I've made in the past few days.


There's a $40.00 charge from Chevy's on my credit card statement. That's right. The Crunch Master gave herself a $9.00 tip. Who gives a 25% tip at Chevy's? No one does. Even Mr. Juan Chevy, the CEO and president, doesn't (I made that up).

I quickly retaliate by making a phone call to the restaurant and speak to the manager. My basic reasoning for her is, "I recently ate at your establishment and had the worst service I've ever had, so I left no tip. However, my credit card has been charged $40.00. Tell me, with all recounts of all bills you have settled, how it would be possible to serve four people and have a bill equal $40.00 after tax and no tip?"

This woman stole money from me. She basically stuck her grubby and fat hands into my wallet, touched everything and stole $9.00.

Needless to say, I got my $40.00 refunded back to me within the week. I should have gone a bit deeper and asked for some kind of punishment to be delivered to The Crunch Master, like getting her fired or having someone punch her in the balls, but decided that as long as I got my money back then it'd be fine.

Just to add to the Idiocracy, the manager actually said, "So, we'll refund you the $31.04 to your card. Is that all right?" No, lady, that's not all right. You charged me $40.00. Give me all my money back, damn it.

Will I ever go back to Chevy's? Sure. I saw someone that looked like Balki from Perfect Strangers there once and that's reason enough to go anywhere.